Lissa’s Band of Degenerate Miscreants

The Felonious Four are at the top of my list this week, and it sure ain't my Christmas list!

The Felonious Four are at the top of my list this week, and it sure ain’t my Christmas list! Click on the photo to get a better ID on these hooligans.

Oh my God, Lissa’s motley crew of large canine malefactors is driving me absolutely insane! Never have I cleaned up so much urine, vomit, God-awful diarrhea and steaming piles of dog poop in my life!

Since she left for a (mercifully) brief sojourn in Key West, they seem to have abandoned all sense of decorum and are determined to make my life a living hell.

It’s been raining constantly, so they refuse to go outside and get their dainty (meaty) paws wet, and would rather just cop a squat wherever they feel like it. It was bad enough when it was just “Miss Piss,” so named because she apparently spent the first 6 months of her life on the street, just letting loose whenever the urge struck her. For this reason she spends a lot of time locked in a crate, but she seems to have figured out how to manipulate the latches, perhaps with a little help from “The Felon”…

“The Felon” makes a habit of standing on her hind legs to steal things from kitchen counters, sideboards, tall tables and anywhere else you might innocently leave something so innocuous as say, a clean paper plate or Lissa’s designer purse. It will then be turned into confetti all over the living room. People think Lissa’s anal-retentive because she keeps her counters, shelves and tables completely bare, but its really because of this absolute hooligan of a hound dog. (Actually she’s a boxer mix, and quite tall). These dogs will chew up virtually ANYTHING!

“Conehead Jones” spends most of his time at the vet – several different ones, actually, due to allergies and various other complaints, and when he’s home he insists on bashing me mercilessly with his cone, just to get even with me for making him wear it. At a svelte 72 pounds (down from 80), he thinks he’s a lap dog, and insists on lumbering up onto the couch, blocking everybody’s view of the television with his giant plastic cone.

Finally, “The Accomplice” is probably the least trouble of all. If it weren’t for the others he’d probably be just fine, but he’s a follower. Whatever “The Felon” drags off the counter, he’s right there to help her shred it, and I’m quite sure some of those steaming piles around the house have his name on them…

Of course, right before Lissa left, “Miss Piss” developed a parasite-related case of diarrhea, and started leaving huge puddles of dark red-brown, partially translucent, gelatinous diarrhea everywhere. So while I was at the vet with her, the rest of the crew decided to do a number on her patio furniture.

The scene of the crime.  Somebody call CSI and let's get some paw prints!

The scene of the crime. Somebody call CSI and let’s get some paw prints!

And it’s been downhill ever since. Every time I turn my back or God forbid, leave the house to take “Conehead” to the vet, (like, every other day), they find a way to get into absolutely everything, and I come back to find a huge mess, and steaming piles and puddles everywhere. The only ones who don’t seem to be contributing to the melee are the two little dogs. One day we couldn’t find the chihuahua, and for a while we wondered if they had hidden his mangled corpse under a bed or something… He turned up, but I think from now on I’ll start locking him in his crate if I have to leave.

Fortunately, Lissa’s on her way home and hopefully her wrathful ruffians will regain their senses and put an end to their malicious crime spree!

Thank God it’s not me there Peewee!
The runny gelatinous puddles literally gag me. I call the felonious four The Terrorists.


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3 Responses to “Lissa’s Band of Degenerate Miscreants”

  1. Linda Askins Says:

    You have such a way with words.I loved this narrative.Thank you.

  2. lissaandpeewee Says:

    Man, I don’t know if it’s the rain or all the thunderstorms, but they’re totally out of control!

  3. Elynn Says:

    Well, let’s hope that they can be miscreants in a good way cause I sure enjoyed reading your story !

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